


The Fearful

by ScienceNerds



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Statement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:48:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24066100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScienceNerds/pseuds/ScienceNerds
Summary: Martin is waiting for Jon to finish a statement in the cabin, and he is Alone. Until he isn't, because he is being watched. The Ceaseless Watcher wishes to hear his story as well, for it has been some time since a victim has summarized their suffering and lay it bare for you.Martin obliges, because he does not want to be Alone.Mostly angst, character exploration. Post ep 160
Relationships: Jonmartin - Relationship, Martin Blackwood & Jonathan Sims
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	The Fearful

*Footsteps pace the floor tracking with rapid, tight breaths - which suddenly stop*

“What? You’re back? I… I didn’t know you could get to me here. What do you want? Jon’s giving you your  _ meal, _ so I have no clue what you’d want with me. You were happy enough to feed me to it, so I thought you’d rather I spend as much time alone as possible.”

*Silence*

“Oh… oh I know what you want. You want what Jon won’t give you. You think I’ll tell you just because I’m afraid?”

*Several seconds of silence, then a sad laugh*

“I guess you do know everything. Listen, if telling you a story will keep it away… fine. I don’t know why it isn’t enough for you to see me suffer firsthand, but.. oh-kay. 

...Statement of Martin Blackwood… I don’t know when we are. 

You already know I’ve always been afraid. Before my dad left, I was just a jumpy kid. Scared of the dark, scared of big dogs, scared of people not liking me. After my dad, and when I finally tried to tell mom about the whole 'man' thing... I guess it’s a wonder I haven’t been chosen before I joined the institute. Maybe I am just that forgettable, that even the great extradimensional beings of the universe didn’t even notice how ripe I was for terrorizing. Maybe someone did plan it after all…

Anyway. I’m easy to forget and I’m not great at speaking my mind. Nobody ever asked me to stand up for myself once they found out about my mom. I guess they figured I was a lost cause once they knew how deep it went. I mostly tried to ignore it. I was fine, I was doing… fine. My mom would let her defenses down eventually, and while people didn’t seem to particularly like me, they would chat and humor me. And then Jon took over the Archives.

*Gasp*

“No, no- I mean, ah, God, that sounds awful, it’s just… I hadn’t had a proper… crush.. since I was a kid. All of the sudden, when people ignored me or whenever I tried and failed to resolve anything, it hurt more. Not to mention, Tim and… Tim and Sasha, heh, they would tease me every time I came back from his office. I didn’t want to get angry at them, so I just… waited. If I tried hard enough to hold everyone above water, just be there and help, well even if I didn’t, at least I was doing everything I could.

I knew I loved him before the dance. Maybe if I hadn’t, it would have been easier to bear. But I thought he wouldn’t ever wake up, and I just kept thinking, what if provoking Elias was what killed mom, and even though I knew better… I knew the others could see how bad I was, but they never really tried to help me. The aching, the loneliness, the utter terror that would course through my body every time a phone would ring, every time I opened my eyes and I knew, I  _ knew  _ Jon was finally dead. I… I don’t want to talk about that part anymore. 

Eventually, I decided if I have no choice but to preyed upon by these powers, I would use it to my advantage. I mean, it’s surprisingly easy to cut people off when they’ve only ever asked you for help… after months of ignoring and teasing… when it’s the worst time of your life. Yeah, I needed The Lonely. I couldn’t take much more and I knew if I was going to keep going… I couldn’t keep feeling that much. If I kept caring… I would break. And like I told Peter. If I died, then I could finally stop being afraid. At least I would lose parts of myself for a reason.

I really did think I was doing the right thing. I thought I at least could see the powers at play, knew what they wanted. Jon doesn’t even seem to hear me when I try to argue with him, when he says everything is his fault. But he completed the ritual because it was the only way to save me. And I… I had the most choice of anyone. I made my plans with the freedom to do otherwise, I kept it all to myself because I thought it… I thought I would be the only one to get hurt. Stupid.

Is that what you want? To gloat? To get me to say you won, that even with all my gambles and sacrifices, trying to use The Lonely to gain power, try to play the game, I was the one that made everything that Elias wanted, that you wanted, possible. That I’m the reason Daisy is lost. And I’m not even the chosen one, none of you  _ chose _ me. I’m just… some guy. Some guy that doomed the world. 

So, yeah. I’ve spent the last couple of years spending every moment in terror, from being afraid of bugs cutting into my skin, to my friends being replaced by dopplegangers without my realizing, to knowing with every bit of my being that absolutely nobody, not one person on the planet,  _ liked me.  _ Afraid that if I have the face of a monster, maybe I’m doomed too. 

And now I’m afraid I’ll lose Jon. Everyone has told me to give up, since the beginning. He’s older than me, rarely gives me a second glance unless he needs something, and has been… well, he hasn’t been kind to me. And sometimes he hurts people, really badly, by accident. But I’m not stupid, I - “

  
  


*laughter*

“Well, I guess I am, aren’t I. But I’ve made a choice, with Jon. There’s just… so much about him to love. And he’s trying to do better, all the time. I know it can’t be easy in his spot, but I mean, what am I supposed to do now? He loves me. He saved me. He’s sorry.

And I’m stuck waiting, alone, on the other side of this door… while he tries to save the world.

I’m not going to let him lose himself, you know. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this, but like Jon said, he can see everything, can’t he? So you must be able to. So whatever plan you have, whatever you are orchestrating so the world stays the way it is. You better expect that I’m going to be next to him. Or that I’ll be dead. And… and Jon said he wouldn’t let me. And I… I trust him. 

*A sigh, muffled by hands* 

“There. Is that enough for you? I… I hope you’re satisfied. Maybe you’ll be full enough to give Jon a break. Let him… rest. I don’t care if our bodies don’t need food anymore, or to sleep. He still… he deserves to rest. 

Statement ends.” 

*click*


End file.
